Get real.
Share something you're struggling with right now...
Wow! This is a tough one.
I am always open and honest on my blog but I don't always poor out my deepest and darkest secrets.
I don't even do this in real life either.
But today I will spill the beans on...
Weight:
This is quite a touchy subject with me at the moment, and those closest to me know my issues and have been on the receiving end of my every day struggle. For those that don't know - I have always been a relatively small and slim person. All through life, I have never had any problems with eating, exercising and being fit or weight issues. I went through school being quite thin but very sporty, and eating any junk that I wanted with no bad effect on my body. After school, I maintained a good weight and even though my body went through certain changes and I gradually put on a few kg's, I was always happy in my skin and comfortable wearing a bikini in public.
In 2008, I moved to London and managed to get the "Heathrow injection" as it is called, by putting on a bit of weight but within months of being home, in the sun, outdoors and generally happy, I was back to a reasonable weight. I started working out with a personal trainer before our wedding and I was happy and confident in our wedding photographs. Even after 2 weeks in New York and Disneyland, no gym and plenty of calories - I wasn't heavy or fat or overweight or even flabby. I was just right.
Then I was extremely blessed to fall pregnant. I didn't change anything about my diet or exercise program for the first two trimesters and I felt good. But as I got more comfortable in this preggy skin of mine, I started eating for two and an increase in my blood pressure put me on bed rest and out of the gym. It also made me put on a lot of weight and carry excess water. I put on 14kgs in the first 31 weeks and 8kgs in the last 6 weeks!! I was huge!!
Before anyone gets uptight or judgemental, I know that falling pregnant is the greatest gift ever, and I carried and gave birth to the most beautiful little girl who has been such an easy baby and a big, healthy girl who hasn't been sick. I am so blessed to have this little miracle in my life and to have been responsible for her growth and development. And in the bigger picture of life, that is all that matters! And I know this.
But I am human, and I am a woman. And weight does matter. It affects my mood, my clothes, my confidence, my self-esteem, my intimacy and my personality. But it doesn't mean my life is bad or less fortunate. It does upset me though and I struggle through days feeling fat, flabby and frumpy. I look at other thin and toned moms and I feel bouts of jealousy. I am not very keen on parading around in my bikini or showing off stretch marks. I hate that some super gorgeous clothes don't fit well or look good. And with a budding social life, I have a love-hate relationship with food.
I have also learnt that I don't have great discipline or will-power. I like instant gratification so weeks on a diet or treadmill seem impossible to me. I have tried a few diets and a few fitness challenges, and I have shed 17kgs of my 22kgs to lose in a year, and I am proud of that. But it is not enough. I really want to achieve my pre-pregnancy goal weight, and I often try to do more to achieve this. But some days, I give up. And then I try again. And I give up again.
A part of me is terrified of falling pregnant again, at a heavier weight and starting this battle all over again. But the love for a child and the amazing feeling of being a mom far outweigh feeling fat. But that doesn't mean I don't fear the struggle of facing it all again. I know I can do things differently this time - not eat for two and keep up consistent exercise. But I am hoping it is a little easier, and until then - I have a few extra kilograms to shed. I will do it!
Has wight ever been an issue for you?
Any tips on losing weight and staying motivated?
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